The thoughts that were thunk and the goings on of my life.

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

It Seems Like Such Fun Until You Lose What You Had Won

The funny thing about being a boy is that our whole lives we're told not to have emotions. Not saying that any particular person has told me this, but everything in our society has said, "Be a man don't [blank]." Where 'blank' = cry, worry, get angry, look so sad, or let-it-get-to-ya. So we continue on in this state where we all try to lock out emotions about what's happening to us, what we really think about issues or even what it is that we truly like. With all of these things going for us it is funny that while I have trained my whole life to be a rather emotionless being the fact is that there is one thing that can simply send me for a loop. Girls. The one thing most guys complain about with girls is that they're too emotional, but if we're honest with ourselves they are the one thing that can truly evoke emotions in our own lives. All the defenses, all of the learned behaviors are nothing compared to the anger of another man having hurt a girl you like, the fear that lurks when you know you are going to lose them, the elation when you get that one look from the corner of a crush's eye, or the most intense feeling of joy/pain brought on by the one you love. A lifetime can be spent trying to keep those very emotions from surfacing everywhere else in our lives and in one fell swoop she can tear down any of the barricades and expose the heart of the man beneath. Maybe that's why we so long to love them, and at the same time nothing can hurt us more.

Speaking of girls, I also learned an important lesson this weekend. I like to tease people for things I make up in my head. Usually there's no shred of truth to them, so I don't have to worry about hurting the person in any way, shape or form because they recognize instantly that I'm joking. Well, that gameplan backfired. Evidently I found out something I 'made up' was an actual reality and that when I teased them about it they thought that I knew exactly what was going on. At the end of the day I ended up hurting a friend and didn't even know it until weeks later when I brought up the fact that 'so and so' doesn't really talk to me anymore. Then another friend was kind enough to inform me exactly where I screwed up. So, from now on no more teasing people for things that might potentially be true...maybe just less teasing in general.

So in order to make ammends I headed to the store to get a card for them so I could apologize, let them know I screwed up unintentionally, and then to try to make amends if that is possible. But out of all the 100 ft long row that was at least 10 rows of cards tall (at 4 in wide each that's about ~3000 different cards) can you guess how many cards were for the section 'Apology'? 2. That's right, 2. I thought it was strange because I know that in any given day I am bound to do at least 5 things I should apologize for, but there are less than 0.1% of cards in the world that allow you to apologize. Am I the only one that screws up sometimes? I'm thinking (and hoping) no. If not, then why so few? I'm thinking that it may relate more to the world that we live in. We're all in such a rush, all so proud of what we have, what we've done, how we're going to do the next big thing...well, we can't even take the time to move out from ourselves and admit that we messed up. I certainly know I I just pray that in the future I am humble enough to admit I have.

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