The thoughts that were thunk and the goings on of my life.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Architectural Faux Pas

Why is the short urinal ALWAYS in the wrong spot?

The first real question is why are there short urinals in the first place. I don't work with a single midget, there aren't any 5 year-old child prodigies at most locations, and handicapped people will need to use the toilet bowl anyways. No, we're all grown ups around here, so why do these incessant short urinals exist in the first place? My only real guess is that maybe it has something to do with the Americans with Disabilities act. Well, if that's the case then where's my tall urinal?

The necessity of a short urinal aside, there is continually a major phallus-y in the placement of the short urinal.

Why of why is it that every restroom I go into looks like this?

As you can see, the first person who goes into the restroom goes to Urinal #3. The next person who goes in has to either pee on their feet by using Urinal #1, or risk having another man look at their junk by using Urinal #2. Because neither option is ideal the second person in the restroom has to either:
  1. Wait for Urinal #3, which is awkward since you can't talk to a man if he's peeing and you're not. So you can stand there in silence simply listening to another man go.
  2. Use one of the toilet bowls, which will lead to having to lift the toilet seat with your shoe or worse the evidence that a disaster had occurred before you got there.
As you can see, this is pathetic. In the modern setup, there are 3 urinals, but 2 are a complete waste and are never used! Why not just have a huge magazine rack in the same place so you can have something to read per a #2 incident.

Because of this waste of ~70% of urinal resources and the apparent forcing of bathroom designers to adhere to the use of placing a short urinal in all restrooms I have devised an optimized solution.

As you can see, this increases productive urinal use by 100%! The first person will use Urinal #1 because it is furthest from anybody else (unless it is directly adjacent the door, in which case Urinal #3 will be the first urinal used). The second person is then free to use Urinal #3. Now if more people come in, then it's perfectly fine. The next person can use a toilet, and if things are really crowded, then it's perfectly acceptable for Urinal #2 to be utilized (such as when a sporting event lets out or the end of a party).

So please, architectural masterminds-in-the-making. PLEASE start arranging your urinals with care, you'll reduce maintainence costs and help enforce the man-code with a simple readjustment of the porcelain receptacles of our pee.


Anonymous said...

You're thinking of *your* plumbing, not the bathroom's plumbing. Unfortunately, in the design you drew, I think there'd be an extra junction in the plumbing because of the up-down-up thing. I'm not a plumber, obviously, but if pipes work the way I think they do, it's best to put any odd heights at one end rather than in the middle.

Ideally they should just put even numbers of urinals and that'd solve the whole issue. But what do I know, I'm a chick.

Otis said...

But you see *my* plumbing is the only important plumbing. Men don't wear skirts because they're easier to sew. And we shouldn't have to pee in a short urinal...ever!

And regarding the number of urinals, there must ALWAYS be an odd number of urinals to prevent male grouping. In the truly ideal world it would go Urinal-Stall-Urinal-Stall-Urinal... That way you never EVER have to touch a man inadvertently while peeing OR have thepotential of seeinganother mans junk.

Anonymous said...

You ought to come see the urinal situation where I stall, and ONE midget urinal, which is so low that a GI Joe could probably utilize it! There's nearly always dried yeller puddles-o-pee on the top surface of the fixture. It's so low that just to hit the fool thing can be downright painful, depending on the cut of the pants worn. Yes, th "ADA" is the reason, and I too have never-ever seen a dwarf in the men's room, especially where I work!! (you know where: BCSO) In fact I've never seen any vertically challenged fellows in here at all! - But, oh, no, let us not forsake the dictates of the imperial Federal Government!!! Common sense - Bah! Humbug!!...